"I want hug, please," Ton said as the airplane took off for Singapore. Ate Ting, his yaya, gave him a tight hug and held him close until he himself asked to be released from the embrace.
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| Prior to takeoff, before he needed the hug |
While we were in Universal Studios, we rode the Madagascar ride, "A Crate Adventure." It brought us around a dark, winding path with loud music and large animated characters. I heard him say the same thing to Ate Ting. "Hug, please," he said as he pulled his yaya's arms around him.
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| Because he was afraid of King Julien, he wanted Ate Ting to hug and carry him. |
When we brought him to The Marina Bay Sands' water and light show, I worried about the sensory overload due to- the new environment, the crowd, the visual overstimulation and, of course, the loud music. (I realized after the show that there was fire effects that I should have worried about too.)
While we waited for the show to start, he kept saying he wanted to go to the toilet. Because the toilets were so far away and because we knew that he really didn't have to go (he usually says this to escape an anxiety-causing situation), we said "no."
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| waiting for the light/water show to start at Marina Bay Sands |
As the loud music started playing, I looked at Ton. He had his sound mufflers on but he could still hear the sounds and looked really scared. Instead of trying to escape, though, he just begged his yaya, "I want hug, please." And with the hug (and Minecraft on his Galaxy tab) he managed to finish the 15-minute show.
Occupational therapists believe that the deep pressure of hugs has a calming effect on children with sensory issues. Apart from hugs, deep pressure massages with the whole palm on the arms and legs are often recommended for anxious children. Though these are very logical explanations, I still believe that it's the comfort and security that the hug brings that produces the calming effect.
Some children with autism, though, do not want to be touched and detest any physical contact. For some, it is said, hugs actually cause physical pain. These are the children who are easily overstimulated by touch sensations. When I imagine these children, I am grateful because Ton loves hugging and easily expresses happiness and love with gestures- a tight (sometimes bordering on painful) squeeze, the holding of hands, kisses (and wanting to be kissed back).
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| Ton loves hugging Dada. |
I cannot imagine having a child who would push me away when I try to hug him (though I'm sure my daughters would when they become teenagers!). I'm a touchy-feely mom. I like giving hugs and kisses, holding hands, tickling. And my kids love doing these things too. So when I see Ton rush up to me while I'm hugging my girls, I get teary-eyed- he wants to be part of the hug, he wants to feel the love. He wants to feel that he is part of this family too.
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| He loves hugging his sisters, specially for pictures. |
When he is scared and asks me for a hug, of course I give in. Many times, he calms down after the hug but sometimes he does not. Sometimes the sensory overload is too strong to be lessened by the deep pressure. Sometimes, he has just crossed "the point of no return" and no amount of hugs (and love) will stop his crashing down. But I still hug, as tight as I can, as much as he wants me to. I try my best to help him calm down even if I myself am falling apart inside. I try to give him the security that, during these depressing "monster moments," I myself do not possess. Deep inside, I'm just as scared and frightened as he is- I just can't show it and, when Ton needs me most, I cannot leave him in search of my own hug. I will have to wait.
Most children want hugs- some ask for it, while some just wait for it to be given. My typical daughters, in their sweet moments, rush to me for hugs. They don't stay long, maybe 5 seconds, then they let go and rush off to whatever else has caught their attention.
Ton demands longer hugs. He usually begs for the hugs when he is most restless and scared. Sometimes the hugs last as long as the scary experience (like the light show). I remember, though, during a plane ride to Honolulu when he was four, he was tired, sleepy and starting to crash. He wanted a hug and so I held him tight for almost 3 hours until he finished his meltdown and crashed to sleep. When he finally fell asleep, I cried in my plane seat out of exhaustion and depression and wished I could get a hug too.
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| With (our US yaya) Yaya Phoebe during our 2010 Maui trip |
Autistic or not, we all need the feeling of security that comes from being hugged by someone we trust and love. Like Ton, I like long, tight hugs, whether I'm happy or sad. It's just different when you're the parent. You make sure first that the children are secure and happy, and only then can you try to do the same for yourself.
It's 10 pm. All the children are sleeping and at peace. Maybe now it's safe to say, "I want a hug, please?" :)
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| While watching Tessa's Repertory Philippines play, May 2013 |
