"What is the secret to your lasting marriage?" I asked my mom a few years ago while I was driving and getting lost on the streets of Honolulu. I was bracing myself for a litany of sacrifices wives should be willing to endure but what she said caught me by surprise, and made me laugh. "Lower your expectations," she said with a giggle.
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| Ton with my mom |
Lowering expectations- this seemingly defeatist view of the world and life has given me the inspiration to go through some of my toughest challenges. The other day my eldest son, Paolo, was pouring his heart out about being disappointed in someone close to him. I gave him the same advice, "don't expect too much of him. Then when he does fulfill his promise, you'll be pleasantly surprised. But if he doesn't, then you weren't expecting it anyway."
It seems easier for older people to say this though. Many of us, in our youth, have been impulsive and reckless. Many have felt a sense of entitlement- that the world and the people around them owed them something. We wanted things according to exact specifications. We wanted people to either fit in our molds of "ideal" or they just weren't good enough. We wanted events to unfold according to what we planned or else they were failures.
But aging makes you wiser, simpler. I've learned to compromise- in relationships, in conflicts, but most specially with my own expectations.
When I started this journey with Ton, I pushed full-steam ahead with the highest expectations for my son. I wanted him to be "normal" by six. I wanted him to develop at the same pace as his younger sister Tessa. I expected him to behave like other children after a few years of intensive therapy and I just wanted him to be typical.
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| When Ton was diagnosed, my expectations were "all-or-nothing." There was no acceptable result but normal. |
Passing the six-year mark was tough. It was when I realized that these high expectations were not met. In fact, I'm not even sure that they will ever be. It was a reality check. Ton has autism. He will always have autism. He will always think and behave differently. He will never be "normal." All expectations were deflated. But what I learned and realized then was that expectations didn't have to be "all or nothing."
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| When he turned six, we learned to accept the realities of Ton's autism. |
Ton turned seven on October 20. It was bittersweet. We had made so much gains but we were nowhere near what a typical seven year old "should" be. He is talking more and language is becoming more functional but with that came more occasions of hyperactivity. He is better at self-regulation but then he has been very physically-aggressive during play lately.
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| By age seven, he had improved so much but there's still so much work to be done. |
In this autism challenge, as in life, it can never be all-or-nothing. There is always something- a catch, a hitch, a challenge. Tiny as it may be, there is still something that keeps it from being perfect. Maturing through all of this, I've come to accept that my sweet, forever pure, smart Ton will always be "quirky." It is because of these quirks that he has become more perfect to me. Part of Ton's being is his mystery, his silence and his unpredictability. He will not be Ton if he wasn't a mish-mash of all these quirks. And I wouldn't become the best mother to him if all I experienced with him were happy moments. The challenges have made me better through the years.
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| One of his quirks- the sound muffler to help him with his sound sensitivity |
I could be criticized for underestimating my son but I believe I'm just trying to be realistic. By lowering my expectations, I will not ask for much. And then when Ton does great and exceeds my hopes, I would be happier. And just now I realize and accept- by embracing simple hopes, wishes and dreams, I've lived my life best. I am sheltered from painful disappointments but then get to experience the most wonderful highs. When you don't expect much, you don't get hurt as much. But when your expectations are exceeded, it is heaven. :)
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| When we found out he had autism, we worried he would never be able to eat alone... |
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| sit still long enough for a haircut or... |
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| read! |
In 7 years and 9 days, that was what Ton has taught me. I've cushioned myself from the lowest of lows by not expecting too much. And yet as he achieves gains unexpected, he brings me the highest joys I've ever known. Sometimes it's the little things that count. Sometimes, the smallest gestures and shortest sentences are breathtaking in themselves. It's a simple formula to life. Not rocket science, not scientific. Just me. Just how I've dealt with this journey, and life in general.
I really never needed much. Never wanted much. Just simple joys. Family is enough. Love is enough :). I bask in each milestone Ton achieves. I celebrate my little accomplishments. Life is hard enough. I choose to live it my way, simply and without pressure. Shallow, maybe to some, but that is all I wish of Ton, and of all my children. To live simply and be happy. Go forth and be quirky, there's just no other way to live life!
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| Go forth and be quirky! Make Mama proud that you're different from everyone else! |
