New Beginnings

In August, Ton will be moving to a new school. After five years in regular schools, our parents' instincts tell us that it's time to look at other options for our son with autism. We have finally accepted that, though they are a more socially-acceptable choice for our family, regular schools are not the best environment for Ton.

For five years after Ton's diagnosis, he managed to cope with the demands of two regular schools. Preschool is generally easy for a high-functioning autistic child. Educational expectations are low. Social norms are still being learned by most children. And, let's face it, autistic or not, children are cute and can get by with just charm.

In his first regular preschool, every school day was highly-
structured and predictable. Ton was able to anticipate and
self-regulate.

At seven years old, though, Ton was in a Montessori classroom with a very low percentage of high-functioning special children and was no longer coping. Academically, he could barely go through lessons because of his difficulty to regulate and to concentrate. His Dev. Ped. actually said that, aside from his autism, Ton's condition probably had the co-morbidity of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).

At the start of the school year, Ton easily finished
work like this. By November, he would start the work
and end up throwing the triangles into the air.

In terms of communication, he was still talking like a four year-old. He still could not converse with most adults, much less with other children. This caused a huge social gap with his classmates. Juan, a six-year old boy in his class was told by Teacher Leah once, “Juan, talk to Ton. I think he wants to play with you.” Juan just said, “but Teacher, when I talk to him he doesn't talk back.” So Juan stopped talking to Ton.

Ton would sometimes want to play with his classmates but
he didn't know how to tell them. When his classmates tried
to talk to him, he wouldn't respond; so they stopped trying.

Due to his language difficulties, also, Ton started to become physically aggressive in school. Out of the blue, he would push children with force. He would intentionally break items in the classroom to get attention. Then he began to hit his teachers and other children. First, softly but eventually the blows became strong enough for the adults to complain to me. (It broke my heart one day when a little girl in Ton's class said to me, “are you Ton's mom? Ton is always bad.”)

I worked with the teachers, his therapists, the Dev Ped and his natural medicine doctor to find remedies to the negative behaviors that Ton was exhibiting. The therapists and the Dev Ped were unanimous- the lack of structure in the Montessori classroom was not helping Ton regulate. The flexibility of his work schedules caused him to space out and stim (do repetitive behaviors). The lack of opportunities that “force” children to socialize (like group activities and structured PE games and activities, for example) was pushing Ton further into his own world.

And so, once again, we had to make a tough decision to pull Ton out of his Montessori school. It was the same school I (and all my siblings) studied in for preschool and grade school and the same school that my two neurotypical girls go to. So pulling Ton out would be breaking tradition. When I finally pulled him out, we lost the reservation fee for the next school year and Ton missed the last three weeks of classes. And when I said goodbye to Ton's excellent, extra-caring and hardworking (to the extent of deviating from the school's typical Montessori interpretation) teacher, Leah, there was so much sadness that we both cried.

With much sadness we say "goodbye and thank you" to
Teacher Leah, who worked so hard with Ton (and me) and
poured herself into helping Ton get better.

Ton's new school is primarily a special school, having been founded by a former learning specialist for one of the Philippines' top international schools. This specialist worked for years with special children in the Washington, D.C. public school system. This is why I was convinced that this was the next step for Ton after just one visit. There was so much special education experience among the faculty; but more than that, you could see and feel their passion for their work. I came out of my school visit with so much optimism for Ton.

We have to wait and see though. New beginnings are not always easy. They are exciting, full of hope and happiness. However, while these fresh starts seem to be full of promise, they are equally frightening. Our old ways, relationships, and lives were predictable and, sometimes, even bland. Day in and out we knew what to do, as if we were on cruise control. We could even predict the effects of certain precedents and avoid unpleasant outcomes. They may not have been exciting and ecstatic, but they were steady and (minus a few minor bumps here and there) smooth-sailing.

I could keep Ton in his old school and hope. I loved his teacher in Montessori. She was very cooperative and full of good intentions. I was very comfortable with the staff, from the head of school to the aides. My relationships with the key people in the school were so strong that I could come in anytime and request to observe Ton's class. I could give suggestions and tips that everyone can use to help him. My friends in the staff would even go out of their way to check up on Ton, make sure he was okay and progressing.

Ton could keep on going to a “regular school.” I would not be shy to tell people the name of the school because it is not known for its special education program (in fact, it does not have any). I would be assured daily that there are lots of substitute “mommies” in the school who would make sure that no harm falls on my baby boy. I could continue with the family tradition and wait for Ton to graduate from the old school.

I had wanted all my children to study in the same Montessori
school that I went to. (Here are the 3 little ones proudly
wearing their school hoodies.)

But I realize now, that unlike with relationships or old patterns that we cling on to so strongly, Ton doesn't have the luxury of time. He cannot spend another school year with us just hoping that this school would finally “work” for him. Yes, while his every day in Montessori had become “predictable,” what it really meant was- yes, today, he will hit his teacher again, refuse to work and break a glass/vase/bowl. That is what “predictable” meant during the last month he was in Montessori. It was obvious that it just was not working for our child.

So in June (for summer school), we will be venturing into the unknown, armed with excitement and new hopes that this new approach (the special school- something the experts have been telling me forever but I refused to follow) will be a more effective, and therefore lasting, way of life for Ton. I pray he will be happy in his new school and that, finally, we will be on a faster track of progress towards Ton's independence and, with much hope, college.

We're looking forward to a bright, beautiful future for Ton.

I commit to this decision now. As we start fresh we will bring with us learnings from the past. We will be smarter and not make the same mistakes. We will strive harder to make it work. And once we're convinced it is the right fit, we will hold on as long as it does us good and not let go. Hopefully this is the final new beginning that will lead us to our happy ending.

Here's to our final new beginning.