Life

I used to think my life was worthless. In my darkest days, I would cry out to God "I'm tired, please take me." I waited and waited but he didn't. Life got better and easier eventually but once in a while I would fall into the depths of depression. I realized, just now, after I asked God to please grant my wish (for myself), that I didn't want that wish granted after all.


with my first child, Polo, 1992

Anton's autism changed everything for me. Once upon a time, long ago, the birth of Polo (my eldest son) rescued me from depression and gave me a reason to live. He was my "hero" as I would say in the 90s. Then came Anton. Who would have thought that something so negative as his autism would stir up in me a reason to live? Nowadays, the prayer is "never mind me, just help him get better."

And so, as I selfishly asked for my wish, I cried some more and said, "no God, I take that back. (And as usual) Never mind me, just him." Then I looked at my sleeping baby boy and realized that he has become my new hero.




We are facing this tough challenge for many more years to come. And, unlike in my youth when all I wanted was to die, I know now that (even in my darkest days) I cannot die. I have to live because of Anton. I have to live because I need to help him get better. I have to live because only a mother will know what is best for her child and if I died I'm not sure anyone would do a better job than (or even just as good as) me.

My life is no longer worthless. I am alive now because I was needed for a higher purpose than just to serve myself. Like all the other lessons I've learned on this journey, I hang on to another- my life is not mine. I am here because my children need me, specially Anton.

Buti na lang, God didn't listen to my wish long ago. :)