Waiting patiently, trusting and believing :)

I was an impatient child/teen/young adult. I was impulsive and always wanted things my way- NOW! Even if I could not have whatever it was that I wanted immediately, I would force a situation where I could get it eventually. 

I remember when I was 13, I wanted so badly to look like a nerd. So I begged my mom to get me braces and eyeglasses, neither of which I needed. We could not afford braces but the glasses she gave in to because I told her I couldn't see too well when I was in school. I was "nerdy" for a few days but it's been 29 years since then and I still have pretty good eyesight.

And then, when I was 16, I got a job teaching aerobics but I had no workout shoes. So I told my mom to accompany me to the store so "I could look." With a mega-dose of puppy face and a droopy posture, I came home from the trip with my new Reeboks (which I used to teach a total of two aerobics classes!).

Of course, it wasn't always about shallow material possessions. At 20, because I hungered for the love of my family, I decided to start my own! I got married and had a baby within a year (wait, maybe it wasn't in that order ;) ) Of course that marriage was not very loving (even if I forced it for a few years) but because of it I now have a very loving 22 year old son.

I was 20 when I first became a mother.

Finally, for my wedding (at 31 years old), my then-fiancé (now husband) gave me a fixed budget to work with. I wanted to have the wedding that I've always envisioned but things were so expensive in California that it was tough to work within a budget. (Actually, as my husband knows, I really don't like budgets :) ) What to do? I bought stuff from eBay, bought my wedding gown from an outlet in LA (then embroidered beads on it), asked my mom to arrange the wedding flowers, and then I baked my own wedding cake. Well, part of the cake collapsed in transit to my destination wedding, but I stubbornly pulled off almost everything I planned.

Flowers by Mama, gown embroidery by me,
cake by me (with the help of my friend, Tala)

I've been so spoiled because I often could get my way (albeit short-lived). So when we were faced with the news of Ton's autism, it was the most helpless I ever felt. There was no forcing things. I could not manipulate people, things and events just so I would get what I wanted. No puppy face, no eBay, no amount of home economics skills would work on this one. 

When you are put in that situation, as some of you (who've had gravely-ill loved ones) are familiar with, you wait patiently, trust, and believe.  You learn to surrender and accept things you have no control over. You are suddenly mortal and, unlike your previous impulsive self, there is no going anywhere but through it. 

You still work hard. You bug people- therapists, doctors, teachers. You cry- over both triumphs and defeats. You keep thinking (of new interventions, possibilities) and you keep trying (and look out for signs that things are getting better). Then you pray like you never have before; not about you and what you want and need, but for someone else you love much more than yourself. 

Four years after the diagnosis, the dust settled and I realized that I had grown up. I wasn't whining and stomping my feet demanding results. There is a bigger picture I have yet to see. There is a destiny that has to be fulfilled. This may be the most excruciating way to see its fruition but you accept and trust that you can only do so much. Things have to unravel in their own time.

He will come out of his shell eventually :)

When that "happy" time will come, I don't know. Years of waiting patiently and trusting have led me to the belief that we will have our happy ending :) You see it now, little signs in Ton. He is communicating more. He is spending more time with us. He is showing us how he feels in little subtle ways. You can't keep hanging on though, waiting for the next one. The signs come as they should. In a sequence and frequency I will never understand. But they do happen and are proof that our happy ending is on its way.

So take your time, my baby boy. I will be here as long as you need me. I will not give up. I will be patient and accept your pace. Because I believe in you and know that you will finish this journey in your own time. Because, more than anything, YOU are worth the wait.

Take your time, Ton. I will be waiting.