One month after the first anniversary of his diagnosis, Anton regressed. All of a sudden, he seemed like the same boy who was evaluated at the dev. ped.'s office a year ago. He was barely talking. He was once again getting his message across through tantrums, screams and whining. He also began to resist routines he used to take on effortlessly. Eating time used to go on with little resistance but all of a sudden, Anton was rejecting (through screaming) even his most favorite foods. What really bothered me and made me worry again was that he stopped responding when his name was called. He had also resumed his old mannerism of looking at objects using peripheral vision. I knew then that I had to get back to work again.
With autism, it seems like you go through phases like this- as they say, "2 steps forward, one step back.". I panicked at the thought that my son was regressing. Then I stopped myself again; very much like i did when he was first diagnosed. I looked at Anton during a quiet moment and thought, what am I complaining about? Here he is going home from school with 2 stamps, potty trained and communicating his needs. We were not just 2 steps forward, we were 12 steps forward! If I had to deal with 3, 5, even 7 steps back, I would gladly take those anytime.
There are good days...
...and there are bad days.
It's been like this since we started living with autism. We celebrate victories and tackle obstacles. Anton's teacher said to me yesterday on the bus going to the school's field trip (Repertory Philippine's Sleeping Beauty), "if he falls asleep in the bus, he will not get to watch the play!" To which I said, "that's good- he will survive two hours of theater, asleep lang nga." She looked at me thinking I was joking, then I caught her by surprise when I said, "small victories, small victories." She nodded her head and tried to understand.
One night after an awful tantrum at bedtime, I told my husband, "he's smart, you know. He's learning to manipulate us." We both laughed because even that was an achievement in itself. Anton was almost four and therefore he was expected to play these games. I started to think, if he was a typical 4 year old, wouldn't he beg and whine to stay up 'til late? Of course he wouldn't scream 'til his throat hurts (because he would be able to reason verbally) but the message would be the same.
So, when he approached the dining table and saw the sinigang on the table, he tried to turn back but I pulled him toward the table. I made him look at the food and then I said, "do you want sinigang?" He stared at the food, took 3 seconds longer than a typical child to answer then he said, "No." "Do you want chicken wings ?" (Wings were a sure favorite.) And just as fast as a typical child would respond, he said, "yes," and sat down in anticipation. I said, "bye-bye, sinigang," and so did he.
If this happened last week, I would have forced the sinigang, we would be in a contest over who wins, and then there would be a stalemate. Not this week. I realized just a few days ago that part of the developmental expectations for a four-year old (aside from trying to manipulate) would be making choices and expressing preferences. For a long time, I was under the impression that he "had to" eat what was on the table. I now know, that like a typical 4-year old, he will like some foods and hate others- and he will make it known.
He used to love these GFCF pancakes. Now, he won't even go near them.
So, rather than fighting over who wins the food game, I let him take control. I realized that behavior management is not a contest- I don't have to win. And maybe, by allowing him to take control, he will trust me more and trust the power of communication, as well. This encourages him to talk more, and reason out. Now if I can only get the yayas to learn the technique.
These last few weeks have been really tough on both Anton and me. For Anton, when the walls were pushed back, when the limits were relaxed, he was at a loss once again. He had gotten used to the structure and the expectations from before that when the grownups started being complacent, the best way he knew to cope was to regress to his pre-intervention state.
As for me, things with Anton had been getting so bad that, instead of addressing the problems, I pushed him further to misbehave. I was so caught up in the "why is he regressing?" that I didn't see that his "negative behaviors" were actually brought about by age-appropriate impulses. I was so obsessed with the autism that I failed to see how my son was growing up in a very typical way.
One step forward, two steps back? Twelve steps forward, 4 steps back? What I realized is that it really doesn't matter. It could be any dance- the cha-cha, foxtrot, "Roger Rabbit," even the Metallic Gigolo. You really don't have to know the steps. You just have to go with the flow.
My son has the moves! He takes after Mom. (Or is it Dad? He did the coconut dance in high school, too, you know.)
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