Ton, Gluten Free, Casein Free... Mama, Fat Free?

Well, not quite :)

When Ton was diagnosed in August 2009, he became my world. I gave up my work, my social life, my health, even my sanity just to help him get better. Most of my time was spent researching, attending seminars, reading books and crying. I forgot how to be happy and resumed my old ways of co-dependency. I was happy when he was okay and sad when he was not. I was often frustrated, depressed and stressed. I felt guilty when I did things for myself because it took time away from my children. I was too busy taking care of others to take care of myself.

after the diagnosis, 200 pounds, September 2008

As I grew fatter and fatter, I felt uglier and uglier. But it went beyond aesthetics, deep inside I was very unhappy. I used to think that I didn't have the time nor the energy for diet and exercise. But as Ton slowly got better, I began to run out of excuses as to why I wasn't working out or eating right. Then I realized as I neared my 40th birthday- if I didn't become healthier, I would die early and leave Ton.

It scared me to let go of life without seeing Ton ready for the world. No one else, maybe except his Yaya or dad, understands Ton's language as well as I do. We do the best job at reading his cues and nonverbal signals. We even do pretty well reading his mind. So, what if, I wasn't around? Who would continue to research, beg for therapy slots and, most of all, TRY?

In September of 2011, I finally put my heart into it (the intentions were not purely for Ton, though, I had a shallow short term goal- my silver high school reunion). I wanted to get healthier by 40 but procrastinated. So I vowed that I would not reach 41 without losing some of the weight.

I went on the Cohen diet and by my reunion I had lost 30 pounds (from 185 pounds). By my 41st birthday I had lost 40 pounds. Six months after beginning my program, I had gone down all the way to 135 pounds (a 50 pound loss). It was not easy but I think I learned a lot from Ton's struggles with ASD- you sometimes get sidetracked, sometimes you fail but you try to get back on the program as soon as you can and you eventually see changes.

days before my 41st birthday

I not only looked better, I felt like a new person. I realized that being lighter made me happier. The exercising, the healthy food choices actually improved my mental wellbeing. I stopped feeling guilty about spending time on myself. In fact, I intentionally block off ME time regularly. I now have a weekly spa day. I go to the gym as often as six days a week and I take ballet lessons. I even treat myself to a nice hefty breakfast alone (morning silence is precious to me) once a week.

By being a healthier, happier person, I became a happier mother. I had more energy to fight Ton's battles and my heart and mind were better equipped to handle the ups and downs of the ASD roller coaster ride. I began to socialize and meet new people and inspired many others to get healthy again. Of course Ton hated that I seemed to be leaving the house more often without him, but he eventually got used to it. I believe he's even better now because of it- he tries harder to be accepting of the changes in my schedule.

Living a healthier life has made me a better role model for my children too. They see exercise as part of my (almost) daily routine. They even jump in and do floor exercises with me sometimes. Ton knows when I'm dressed for "exercise" and he knows that when Mama leaves wearing those clothes, she won't be back in less than one hour.

I've been able to play more with the kids 

I can now easily lift him up using my feet to the tune of the "Superman" march while he flies like Christopher Reeve (so 70s! Who is it na nga now?). I also get to do a little bit more chasing and clowning around with the other kids as well. Ton loves to play Wii's Just Dance and often wants the whole family in on the game. I also don't burn out in the middle of yaya's day off anymore. In fact, I even get to squeeze in a husband-wife date when yaya gets back from her day off :)

I realized how far I've come health-wise during our May trip to Boracay. Ton, tired and on the verge of a tantrum, cried as soon as the plane landed in Manila. I scooped him up in my arms and deplaned and walked as fast as I could to the car. It was not an extremely long walk but with a 50 pound crying boy (about to have a full-blown monster episode), it was a huge challenge. While I was sprinting fast I realized- two years ago I would not have gotten very far. I would have been hurting, sweating and panting (and maybe wanting to just have my own tantrum as well). As soon as Ton got to the car, he calmed down. Whew! Another monster moment averted, thanks to my daily 45 minute cardio workouts. ("So that's when they come in handy," I realized then.)

healthy, happy faces

The last two years have seen a lot of changes; not only in Ton but in me, as well. We've both had great moments of success then some regressions too. We both continue to struggle to maintain our healthy states on a daily basis. Routines and regimens are rigid and tough but we march on. By becoming a better person, I have become a better mother on her way to nurturing a better Ton.