Fear

I used to think that strength meant the absence of fear. I thought I was weak because I hated airplane rides or roller coasters. I refuse to ride in the same flight with my husband (without the children) for fear of leaving the kids (specially Ton) without parents. I am afraid of getting caught in traffic while under the EDSA- Ayala/Pasay Road underpass. And since I lost my 60 pounds, I’ve feared gaining the weight back. 

As I stepped onto my stepper last week after almost three weeks without exercise, I realized this- though it is true that fear immobilizes many and causes inaction, harnessing this same fear also allows one to arm herself with weapons to fight it. Take my fear of weight gain. 

For a whole decade I was overweight, even obese. But since losing 60 pounds two years ago, I’ve managed to stick within my ideal weight range. My secret? The fear of becoming fat again. I refuse to go back to that slow-moving, sickly, unhappy 200-pound person. But, unlike most dieters, I am not harsh on myself. I indulge and give in to my cravings; sometimes because the moment calls for it (like family gatherings), other times because eating gives me short-term happiness.

The fear of fat keeps me fit.

Often, over the holidays or when family comes from abroad to visit, it is not uncommon for me to gain a few pounds. Once I see, though, that I’m nearing a ten-pound weight gain I start freaking out. 10 is when I get scared of becoming obese again. And, unlike many rebound dieters who allow the weight to slowly creep back, for me it is at this point where the fear drives me to arrest the downward spiral. I take action- eat healthier, exercise more intensely and regularly. Pretty soon, I lose the 10 pounds and I’m back at my happy state. 

When Ton’s hitting/kicking episodes escalated two weeks ago, I entered a dark phase of my life once again. My depression was intense. I was almost ready to give up. I felt like this a few times before in this autism journey but this time was different. I had a new realization that hurt deeply- Ton was special and would live his lifetime with major regressions. I once again feared for the future of my baby boy. Was he going to be forever a nuisance to society because of his aggression? I also felt the most helpless and hopeless in our five years of battling autism.

Ton regressed due to a number of factors including frequent
deviations from his GFCF diet over the holidays.

Once again, like during Ton’s diagnosis, I grieved. I mourned for the lost opportunities that typical children would have that Ton would not experience. I mourned for the diminishing possibility of Ton going to a regular high school or of him having a meaningful job. I had to painfully accept that Ton would need special assistance and guidance from his family throughout his life and that he will never really be like other kids his age. I also resigned myself to the fact that Ton would finally have to enter a special school because there was no longer any denying that most regular schools would not be good for him.

The holidays were fun because the family was complete but
it also meant more activity (less predictability of schedules)
and increased sensory stimulation for Ton.

I cried for weeks. I lost sleep but made up for it with lengthy naps throughout the day. I refused to socialize, leave the house. I pigged out almost every day. I was immobilized by my fear of a bleak future for Ton. Then one Monday I said to myself I would work out and diet again. That alone was a big step that allowed me to rebound from my depression. And while I was on the stepper, my mind began to work again- I would inquire with a new special school. I would talk to Ton’s teacher. I would accompany Ton to his therapy visits. I would read and research again. I will fight again.

I get many of my best ideas (for writing, scheduling, for life)
while working out. Added bonus- I feel happier after the
torture!

Last week, I slowly stepped out of the darkness of my depression and with it, Ton slowly stepped out of his hitting/kicking phase too. Because of my fear of the worst, I forced myself to work harder to help him and, by doing so, I brought Ton (almost) back to where he was two months ago. He’s not 100% there yet but he’s getting there slowly everyday. We’ve actually had no-hitting days lately and he’s been more compliant and communicative again. 

Our last period of regression was the toughest ever but I am
relieved that Ton has almost recovered from it and that he
is getting better again.

Like Ton, I’m still not at my ideal state. I haven’t lost my holiday-10 (pounds) but I’m getting there because I have been acting against my fear of obesity. And like in the past, I know it is possible as long as I work hard. 

People keep saying that we should “fear nothing but fear itself;” that fear makes us weak. I know now, that though my fears immobilize me temporarily, it is because I am afraid that my fears will come true that I force myself to act. The “fear of fear” is what makes me stronger. 

It really is interesting how Ton’s autism has brought out the best in me. I am surprised at what I have evolved into because of the many trials we've been through together. It’s refreshing that nowadays being depressed doesn’t make me want to die but to live longer so I can help Ton. I am smarter, stronger and healthier because of him.

In the end, this really wasn't meant to be just Ton’s journey but mine too. :)