Young love

My 11-year old daughter Gabby has a crush. I remember my 6th grade crush now. How he said he liked me but that he will consult with fortune tellers first to find out if we were compatible. Imagine that! I was heartbroken because the fortune tellers said I was not his destiny. Of course I moved on (or did I? :) ) and had many other crushes after 1982 but now that Gabby talks about her crush, I feel and share her happiness and giddiness. I see her eyes sparkle. I welcome the latest news about him.

Me, 6th grade (1982)

Gabby, 6th grade (now)

I pray that I will have conversations like that with Ton, too, one day. I want him to talk to us about how to ask a girl out to the prom, how to behave in front of her parents. I want his eyes to sparkle. I want him to fall in love and marry. It’s a long shot, for now, but I want to believe that he will break out of his shell finally and experience the highs and lows of love, the successes and disappointments of life. 

Let me run through the major barriers we have to overcome before we get to marriage. (Mothers always over-think things, don’t they?)

1. He has to learn to control his emotions and self-regulate.
2. He has to learn the rules of conversation. How to listen, when to talk.
3. He has to be able to read body language and facial expressions.
4. He will have to develop Theory of Mind. "Theory of mind (often abbreviated "ToM") is the ability to attribute mental states- beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.- to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires, and intentions that are different from one's own." (Wikipedia)
5. He will need to go through school at a steady pace and eventually receive enough education that will allow him to hold a job and be productive.  

     I’m sure there are many more steps. 

I don’t worry about looks. My son is handsome and charming (when he wants to be). Meeting a girl? She’ll be smitten as long as he is well-mannered and respectful. I won’t worry about fortune tellers because my son is himself a mystery. I’m sure, though, that he is destined for greatness. In what way or form, I don’t know. As he is now, he has already been a blessing to us. And our lives are much greater because of him. But when Ton finally has a crush or girlfriend, it will be a big deal to me.

C'mon! What's there to not love?!

When my 22-year old son, Paolo, first had a girlfriend it was uneventful. Having grown up in California, Paolo introduced her to me only after bumping into her during his graduation. I had to restrain myself from feeling giddy for Paolo because he said it was not very serious yet. In a few months, it was over and I did not have the chance to see his eyes sparkle with love. It probably didn’t even get that far.

I am thankful that Gabby thinks that I am an acceptable audience for her “kilig” stories. It’s what moms are supposed to do- hopefully until adulthood (though I doubt it). So I cherish these moments now. I never told my mom about my 1982 crush. She only heard about him in my 40s when I was no longer scared that she would get mad because I liked a boy. Gabby’s candidness about boys and crushes are welcome anytime, even when she’s 40.

In 12 years we will know if Ton will go to the prom; if he will be nervous about meeting her parents or if he will ask Dad for relationship advice. For now we will work harder; because there is a new objective for all this hard work. Whereas 5 years ago, the goal was for Ton to talk and be potty-trained, today it has become this- to prepare Ton to live a full, enriching life (love or no love). And though this is a goal we wish for all our kids, it holds a deeper, more special meaning for Ton. It means he overcame the “impossible” and has triumphed over his condition. His potential is no longer bound by the restrictions of autism or impressions of society. He won.

I want to see your eyes sparkle and to see you in love.

I don’t believe in fortune tellers but I believe in destiny. And I believe that in 12 years I will be too busy ironing his suit and buying a corsage for his date that I won’t even have time to give you an update. In the meantime...

Believe with me.